Why It’s NOT Your Partner’s Job To Make You Feel Sexy (And What To Do Instead)
Ever looked at your partner and thought, “Meh”?
Maybe you’re past the “honeymoon” phase, you’re living together, you’ve been married a few years, you have kids together, or you’ve walked in to find them lying on the sofa in their pants and thought, “What the hell did I get myself into?!”.
(I won’t lie, the one lying on the sofa in their pants is usually me)
Maybe your sex life has dwindled to nothing or you just don’t fancy them anymore, and you’re more like housemates and co-parents than lovers.
And maybe you’re even having serious worry about whether you’re right for each other and are compatible.
If this resonates with you, then read on– because not only is this inevitable in long-term intimacy, the solution isn’t what you think it is.
While part of this is inevitable in long-term relationships– you’re past the oxytocin and dopamine fuelled honeymoon phase– you now have a choice on what to do about it.
You could drop into resentment and blaming your partner for not making an effort, not doing their bit, and being a crap lover, and even make secret plans to escape the relationship either by leaving or sabotaging it.
(And FYI, some of this resentment could be completely justified, especially if you’re bearing the brunt of the mental load and domestic load, which is why we need #feminism and how to actually communicate our needs, but more on that another time.)
Maybe this is a common pattern for you.
When things feel boring and you start to get to know the real person you’re with– who it turns out, is a flawed human being just like you.
Shit, isn’t it?
Or…
What if you could use this as a reflection for yourself?
Here is a big, meaty, throbbing question for you to ask yourself– and be honest with yourself:
Where are you outsourcing your own turn on, your own aliveness, your own sexuality, and your own happiness to your partner?
We’ve ALL done it, because we’ve all been brought up on a diet of Disney Movies, romantic comedies, and media romances where we learn that your life will be complete and happy when you meet… *dun dun dunnnn*
THE ONE *cue dramatic music*
This ONE who will satisfy your every need. Be your lover, your best friend, your soulmate, your everything.
Where the chemistry will be off the charts and you’ll come within 5 seconds of being fucked.
[Read more: You Were Never Taught To Enjoy Sex Just For Yourself]
We can thank gender roles and socialization around what we are taught about love and sex for that!
For women and those socialized as women, we are continuously taught to only think about our sexuality and eroticism within the context of a relationship.
And to only really think about your turn on and sexiness to perform for somebody else– IE the male gaze (even if you’re not heterosexual. Wild, I know!)
Now deeper than that: What lights you up?
What turns you on?
Makes you feel alive? Buzzy? Yummy?
When did you lose that?
When did you start to lose yourself in your relationship or marriage and stopped doing what lights you up– just for YOU?
WHAT TO DO: IT’S TIME TO START TURNING YOURSELF ON AGAIN
Yep, you knew where I was going with this!
Whether it’s dancing– bellydance, burlesque, pole fitness, latin dance, or anything that feels good to you.
Getting back into your artwork.
Exploring your erotic fantasies, how to self-pleasure for complete satisfaction, and finding out what your accelerators are.
Reading and writing erotica.
Go to a tantra workshop solo, just for you.
Purging your wardrobe and only wearing what turns you on and feels HAWT to you.
It’s a radical notion that your turn on, your sexuality, and your orgasms are your responsibility first.
[Read more: Why Masturbation Is The Most Empowering Tool For Women and People With Vulvas]
And also getting your needs met– which may include communicating and negotiating with your partner to share the load.
What if you could take loving leadership of your life and your sexuality?
Of the role that YOU play in your relationship or marriage?
It doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t have shit to do too, it’s just you clearing up your own corner and taking full ownership.
And from this place, the dynamic within your relationship cannot help but change.
Tell me your thoughts.
This post was originally published at https://lucyrowett.com/why-its-not-your-partners-job-to-make-you-feel-sexy-and-what-to-do-instead/
