Where Can I Get Help With Sex?
So, where DO you look to get help with sex?
It’s gotten to that point in your relationship or marriage where you’ve realized that there is an elephant in the bedroom. You feel sad, frustrated, and at your wits’ end.
You’ve tried the usual stuff. Maybe you bought some lingerie, tiptoed around a sex shop, Googled, “How to spice it up”, or tried to talk to a friend.
Or maybe you haven’t tried anything because it feels too difficult and scary? It’s just much easier to curl up in bed and pretend nothing is wrong because going there feels too much to handle right now
NOW YOU HAVE 2 OPTIONS:
- Put up with it, cross your fingers, and just hope it goes away by itself
- Decide you need help and start looking
But now you’ve opened up another can of worms, because where on earth do you go? Who is qualified enough to help you with your sex problem who will also help you feel safe and welcome?
The thought of telling your GP or going to a sexual health clinic makes you cringe, and you’re terrified of being told you’re a slag or made to feel stupid.
A Google search brings up all sorts of weird responses, because what the hell is the “flying wheelbarrow” position?!!
In this post, I want to offer some simple places to start looking for help with sex and relationships and what you need to look for.
If anything hurts, you are worried you may have been exposed to an STI, or you have a concern with contraception, please go to your local sexual health or GUM clinic.
I promise there is nothing that you will say or show them that they have not seen before, it really is all in a day’s work for them.
In my own experience, every sexual health clinic I have been to they have been friendly and helpful, although I cannot speak for everyone and this is in my own experience as a white, cis-gendered, heterosexual woman.
BOOKS TO READ
I’ve tried to whittle down just some of my reading recommendations when you are just starting out. I have many other recommedations depending on what you want and need and the circumstances.
Mind The Gap: The truth about desire and how to futureproof your sex life, by Dr. Karen Gurney
Rewriting the Rules: An Anti Self-Help Guide to Love, Sex and Relationships, by Dr. Meg-John Barker
Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex, by Joan Price
Writing this list I felt impatient because it is just a very small selection of the many books that are out there that contain actual useful and factual information.
WEBSITES
There are many websites that specialize in sex advice and education, here are just a few.
SOCIAL MEDIA
Social media may not be the first place you think of when looking for sex advice, but trust me, there is a lot on there. Unfortunately, many of the main platforms- Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok- do have a bias and regularly ban or de-platform people posting about sex- even in an educational context. Read more about it here.
Lucklly, we’re not going anywhere, so here are some tips to find awesome sex advice and sexuality professionals. I don’t have time or space to list every single sex educator, coach, therapist, or influencer I recommend following because that would take a lot of space, and I have my own preferences.
Look for hashtags like #sexeducator, #sexcoach, #sextherapist, #sexualhealth, #bettersex, and start following their accounts.
Many sexuality professionals have social media accounts, so when you find one you resonate with, look them up on social media.
(Tooting my own horn, you can follow me on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, and join my Facebook group for womxn here.)
There are some more sex positive social media platforms being created such as:
Pleazeme (However it isn’t yet available outside of the USA)
DIRECTORIES AND PLATFORMS
Yes, there are lots of directories and platforms to find a sexpert or sexuality professional, here are my recommendations:
A platform for certified sexuality professionals from different disciplines. Here’s my listing.
World Association of Sex Coaches (WASC)
The world’s leading organization for sex coaches and sex coaching as a profession. You can find my listing here.
American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT)
The gold standard in certifying sex therapists, counselors, and educators in the United States.
College of Sex and Relationships Therapists (COSRT)
The British organization for sex and relationships therapists.
The leading training organization and certification program in Gender, Sex, and Relationship Diversity, effectively working with LGBTQIA+, kinky, non-monogamous clients.
For touch-based and tantric professionals.
The Somatic Sex Educators Association (SSEA)
The directory for certified sexological bodyworkers and somatic sex educators.
Kink and Poly Aware Professionals (KAP)
A specialist directory for professionals who are specifically kink-friendly and polyam-friendly.
CHARITIES AND ORGANIZATIONS
There are many sexual health charities that have lots of information and advice on their websites. Note that while some of the charities I have listed are for HIV/AIDS, they provide a lot of helpful and no-nonsense sex and relationships advice and information too.
World Association for Sexual Health (WAS)
British Association for Sexual Health
Sexuality Information and Education Council of the USA (SIECUS)
Woodhull Sexual Freedom Foundation
WHAT TO LOOK FOR
Yep, there is a lot of information and resources out there when you know where to look.
But now, how do you whittle it down?
First, think about what you specifically need help with.
Can you write it down and headline the top 3 points?
Is it more physical/physiological– such as vulvar or genital pain, erectile difficulties, ejaculation difficulties, concerns to do with the menopause, chronic pain, the size and shape of your genitals, struggling post-partum, too tired for sex, or something else?
Is it more emotional- such as feelings of shame and embarrassment, fear and anxiety, finding it hard to speak up, feeling confused about your fantasies and kinks, wanting to explore your sexuality and who you are attracted to, loss of libido or something else?
Is it relational– like you’ve lost the spark, you’re not communicating well, you’re worried about yours or your partner’s porn habit, struggling with with non-monogamy, trust issues, or something else?
Or maybe you just want a place you can ask any questions you want about sex and talk about it without worried about being judged.
Or as it usually the case, it could be a combination of lots of factors that can feel like a giant mess!
The clearer you can get about what you actually want and need help with, the easier it is to find help.
When prospective clients approach me, I offer referrals and recommendations as standard, because often what they need is multidisciplinary.
I will refer clients to:
- Pelvic floor specialists
- Trauma specialists
- Nutritionists
- Specialist practitioners in LGBTQIA+ concerns
- Doulas and birth workers
- Relationship therapists
- Psychotherapists or psychologists
WHAT TO BE WARY OF
Not all information or professionals are credible, and some people really are causing harm in what they teach.
Here are some things that I would class as an amber or red flag when looking for a professional, service, or piece of information.
- A dogmatic one size fits all approach. Just do this one thing or practise and all your problems will be solved. And if they’re not, then you weren’t doing it properly. HELL NO! No no no no no no. Everybody is at different places with different needs. While it may feel sexy and make for excellent marketing to say that this ONE thing, approach, or belief really is the cure-all for everything that’s going wrong, it’s absolute bullshit.
- Overly spiritual language or jargon you don’t understand. There are many brilliant tantra and conscious sexuality professionals, but if their website and marketing looks like you need to put it through Google Translate, they may only be offering one kind of style.
- Generalizations about men and women, such as, “all men want this or do this”, or, “women are emotional creatures who need this”.
- Quoting religious scripture or spiritual teachings in the place of accurate information. While there are many amazing sexuality professionals working in Faith communities and advocating for Faith communities, they also know that religious teachings and holy books are not a replacement for evidence-based sexuality information.
- If they do not openly list who trained them and/or their lineage. Trainings and credentials aren’t everything, but if the professional does not have somewhere on their website where, how, or who they trained with, exercise caution. If in doubt, ask them.
- And finally, if you just don’t like their vibe or something feels, “off”. There is research to suggest that how effective a therapy is has not as much to do with the official approach, but with your connection to the therapist or professional. You could find the most, “qualified” person in the world, but if you don’t like them and don’t feel comfortable with them, you will not have much success and it will be a waste of your time and money.
You don’t have to like everyone, and not every professional is right for you- including me! Shop around, join mailing lists, follow them on social media if they have it, take your time to find a professional you like and resonate with.
This blog post is by no means an exhaustive piece on everywhere you can get help with sex, but it’s a start.
Originally posted on https://lucyrowett.com/where-can-i-get-help-with-sex/
