How Important Is Sex In Your Relationship or Marriage?
Is sex really that important for your relationship or marriage?
You’ve probably asked yourself that question many times.
Because what if you are making a fuss about nothing? Maybe you should just grin and bear it, and be grateful for what you do have together? Maybe it’s all overrated anyway and what’s the point because you’re a mum and should be past all that anyway.
LET’S EXPLORE IT
Before I begin, I will caveat a few things.
First, it is impossible for one partner to meet every single one of your emotional, mental, social, spiritual, and sexual needs. We often expect one partner to fulfill the role that a whole village used to do, plus the ideal of monogamy and what it means is a relatively modern concept.
It is inevitable that you and your partner/s will have differences, especially sexual and erotic differences. You need to discern what can be worked with and where you need to draw the line.
Second, I wholeheartedly believe that change is possible for both you and your partner, romantically and sexually. Think about it, as humans it’s inevitable that we change because it’s part of life.
At the same time, many therapists and coaches are not properly trained or informed in the full spectrum that is human sexuality and gender- who we are, how we present, who we love, how we love, how we like to make love, how we like to fuck, what turns us on, what turn on even is, what it is to be a sexual being, and what is sexuality anyway?
What could look like an irreconcilable difference between you could simply be a difference in desire and erotic styles.
Now let’s begin.
ISN’T THE RELATIONSHIP MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE SEX?
You know that a happy and connected relationship isn’t just about sex, but the quality of your connection together and how you relate. There have been many amazing pioneers and teachers in couples’ work, such as Dr. John Gottman, Harville Hendrix, Dr. Sue Johnston, Dr. David Snarch, Esther Perel, Hedy Schliefer to name just a few.
I fully agree that humans need to learn how to be in relationship with each other because we were never taught or role-modelled happy relationships growing up.
You were probably told that it’s dangerous to choose to be with someone if the sex is amazing but the rest of your connection is terrible, and you may have had your fair share of car crash relationships.
But it still needs your attention, and here’s why.
WHY SEX IS JUST SO IMPORTANT FOR RELATIONSHIP AND MARITAL HAPPINESS
You were never told why and how to have pleasurable, juicy, delicious, turned on sex with your partner. Nobody was, because sex education is appalling.
You were never given the skills to navigate how to communicate, you were never given permission to explore your full pleasure and erotic potential, you were never encouraged to masturbate and learn your orgasmic response.
You were taught that, “Good Girls don’t”, but also that in order to keep a man to give good blowjobs (even if you hate them), but also don’t ever talk about it because it’s rude.
You probably had to learn, “on the job”, as it were, trial and error, making it up as you go along, because sex is natural, and you’re an adult so you should just know how to do it.
And your partner- whether it’s a man, woman, or nonbinary- will likely have received similar messages.
It means you were both thrown into the deep end, expected to just know what to do because it should happen all by itself, and then wonder why it hasn’t.
If you then add in past traumatic experiences, childbirth (pushing the equivalent of a rugby ball out of your vagina is not for the fainthearted), horrible past relationships, and/or a religious background, or an upbringing where your parents were very strict, it’s almost like you’ve been shoved on TV on Strictly Come Dancing and told to dance the Cha Cha Cha with no dance experience.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
YOU FEEL DISCONNECTED FROM EACH OTHER
I’ll bet my entire tea collection that it has become the elephant in the bedroom.
The unspoken gulf between you where what used to be closeness is now walking on eggshells.
Where you feel frumpy, frustrated, unsexy, and dumpy, rather than alive, sensual, and adored.
You are constantly worrying that your partner may be looking elsewhere, and you question if you are good enough.
You worry if you’re good enough, attractive enough, sexy enough, and if your partner is still attracted to you.
You feel frustrated that your needs aren’t being met, and have a constant niggling feeling that there must be *more*, but don’t know what that is.
You have this feeling of being promised a whole chocolate pecan pie with whipped cream and sprinkles, and all you get is a half hearted lick before it’s taken away.
These are all paraphrased from previous clients and women I have spoken with on social media or at events I have taught at. (Are you salivating at chocolate pecan pie? Me too!)
If you’re reading this and can resonate, what effect has that had on your relationship and on your self-esteem over the years?
How much energy has it taken away from you and your relationship?
How much worry has it cost you?
If you’re still not convinced, read this by renowned sex researchers, McCarthy & McCarthy:
When sex functions well, it contributes positively to relationship vitality and satisfaction. When it becomes dysfunctional or nonexistent it can drain 50 to 70% of the energy out of your relationship and rob you of intimacy and connection.
McCarthy & McCarthy, 2021, p.163
WHAT DOES SEX MEAN TO YOU?
Sex and your sexual happiness is absolutely fundamental to your relationship and marital happiness- but we need to deconstruct what that means in the first place.
Maybe you and/or your partner fall on the asexuality spectrum? Maybe you are content being nesting partners and want to explore your erotic options outside of your relationship?
When I work with clients- either 1:1 or in a group program- I emphasize deconstructing everything you think you know about sex, sexuality, and pleasure, so we can create something that feels good for you.
HERE ARE SOME QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF
You can grab your journal or a pen and paper, and free write what comes up for you.
- What makes me feel most sexual, receptive, and aroused?
- If I could direct and star in my own erotic movie where I had everything I could possible want, what would happen?
- What do I need to do to make sex a priority again?
- I feel my most turned on when…
LET’S MAKE SEX A PRIORITY IN YOUR LIFE AGAIN
Great sex over your lifetime doesn’t just happen all by itself. It takes intention, attention, and nurturing, just like anything worth having.
If you’re ready and deeply committed to healing your relationship with your sexuality, and to finally put it at the top of the list again, let’s work together.
I am passionate about helping women and people with vulvas to let go of your shame and inhibitions to have the sex life and pleasure you truly want, for epic loving and living.
Learn more about working with me 1:1 or in a group right here.
This post was originally published on https://lucyrowett.com/how-important-is-sex-in-your-relationship-or-marriage/
