Freeze and Fawn in Women: Why You Are Not Silly, Mad, or Weak

HOW FAMILIAR ARE YOU WITH TRAUMA THEORY?

For women and those born in female bodies, the default stress and trauma responses that we tend to go to are FREEZE and FAWN. I am not saying that men and those born in male bodies do not experience this, but for women, it’s ingrained into how we are socialized.

When I say trauma response, I’m not just talking about trauma with a capital, “T”, such as things you may consider traumas- assault, war, abuse, violence. I also mean the small micro things when you suddenly feel afraid, stressed, or triggered, small reactions that happen in day to day life, and in sex and relating.

For example, you’re getting frisky with a new partner, and they touch you in a place that feels uncomfortable, they go too hard, or move too fast. You suddenly move from feeling comfortable and aroused, to clamping your mouth shut and getting on with it.

Afterwards, they ask you if you came or if you liked it, and you nod and smile– but you just want to get out of there as fast as you can and never see them again.Or when you’re talking to somebody in a position of power- like your boss, your landlord, an official- and you immediately become smiling, friendly, appeasing, and polite, even if you don’t feel at ease at all.

Or when you’re in bed and your partner asks you what you want, and you feel dumbfounded. You feel awkward, you mutter, and so you just lie back and wait for them to finish.

WHY IS THIS IMPORTANT?

If you’ve ever worried why you can’t ask for what you want, why you tense up in bed, why you find it so damn hard to put your needs first and speak up, you’re not weak or inferior, you have gone into freeze or fawn.

Or if you are a people pleaser, a chameleon, a nice smiling woman who is so amenable and polite when you know it doesn’t feel genuine, your default response is fawn. This is not a conscious decision or process, this is your autonomic nervous system taking over.

It’s not a “limiting belief”, it’s a physiological response.

Remember this: you are not mad, bad, weak, broken, or silly. It’s just your wiring, and we ALL have it. Including me.

I am a reformed people pleaser, and I had no idea how often I would go into freeze until I learned.

Women/people in female bodies are usually socialized to be people-pleasers, and often to keep the peace in order to stay safe. That safety can be literal physical safety- from not being attacked- to the safety of staying in your tribe, community, or family.

Add onto that that our society doesn’t like bitches or women with opinions, you will have internalized that message that in order to stay safe, you must keep quiet.

Then add onto that female sexuality and pleasure isn’t encouraged, and often demonized. Don’t be too sexy because that means you’ll be ostracised, vulvas are ugly and smelly, and if you ask for what you want, it means you’re a slut.

DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?

Breaking the freeze is absolutely possible when you know what it is, but also give yourself kindness that it is normal to go into it and it’s part of being human.

This post was originally published on https://lucyrowett.com/freeze-and-fawn-in-women-why-you-are-not-silly-mad-or-weak/